This Assassin Sucks! Here’s Ten From The Movies To Never Hire!

This week American Assassin is in cinemas, once again showing us the dangers of the trained killer. However, in film, not all hired killers are trained equal. Some of them are pretty bad at what they do, yet we as an audience illogically love them anyway. Here are ten assassins you should never hire if you want the job done right! Note: potential spoilers abound in the list below, but we’ve pointed them out… mostly.


Campa and Quino – Desperadodesperado campo and quino

This is cheating, as it is an excuse to put two people in one position on the list. However, consider them a unit making them the equivalent of one entry. These guys appear quickly and then die pointlessly. That is it. Neither assassin survives beyond the montage. They have cool gadgets with them, and then they die. There is a build-up, but it seems they were only ever meant to die. Fun fact: The original El Mariachi star Carlos Gallardo plays Campa. Antonio Banderas replaced him for the second entry in the trilogy. Poor fella.


Zao – Die Another Dayzao die another day

I apologise for digging up the rotting corpse of Die Another Day, but this exhumation is for one reason: Zao. If Die Another Day had been a good film the recent tensions with North Korea would make it the perfect action movie to watch right now. Zao had a cool car to match James Bond, allegedly the skills, and sufficient hype. But both the film and Zao were massive disappointments. We would not get another assassin to be the anthesis to James Bond until Spectre. To add to that diamonds on a person’s face is like a facial tattoo: Revolting.


Ray – In Brugesray in bruges

In Bruges is a fun film with little idiosyncrasies, that is how I choose to remember it. One memory I do have that is clear is Ray is bad at his job. He kills a kid, is unable to defend himself, and most of all got his partner killed. Not only that (**SPOILER**) he dies in Bruges… exactly what he did not want to do. Is it too much to ask for a refund?


Carson Wells – No Country For Old Mencarson wells no country for old men

Hired to kill madman Anton Chigurh, and played by Woody Harrelson, he is given an air of importance. He has a ten-gallon hat and the confidence of a killer. Unfortunately, this is one other example of how the movie is messing with you as (**SPOILER**) Chigurh kills him without much effort. At least he had some great dialogue.


Rick Ford – Spyrick ford spy

Rick Ford is a dangerous man. He will tell you that, and many other inconceivable and unbelievable stories of his badassery. Jason Statham is the sort of guy you could see doing this, however, this man is more likely to be killed for being a fool. Case in point: A bomb bag. He picked up his bag which got swapped with a bomb. Not only that, throughout the movie he is rescued by a rookie analyst and is shown to be utterly inept.


Johnny English – Johnny English Johnny English Rebornjohnny english

Rowan Atkinson is a great comedian and has made some fun characters, from Mr Bean to any man with the name Blackadder. Johnny English is not only an idiot savant but the lead character in some terrible films. Sure, he is seen to be an adequate spy, and part of being a spy means you’re an assassin when called upon, but his movies are terrible. He got most of the MI7 killed sunning security and almost killed the Queen. Did I mention his films are rubbish? Poor Atkinson.


Mr Wint And Mr Kidd – Diamonds Are Forever

mr wint and mr kiddAs offensive as they are inept. On two occasions, they could have killed James Bond, and they failed twice. On two occasions, they used the same Modus Operandi: Bury Bond. As 007’s Box Office proved, you can never bury Bond. Bad Assassin! Not only that but their shtick is tiresome. Hardly entertaining and bad at their job, the calibre of villain may very well have been the reason Sean Connery said ‘Never Again’.


Elektra – Daredevil Elektraelekta

Elektra is bad at her job and has two terrible films under her belt to boot. How Jennifer Garner can inflict such vicious career harm to herself twice is an astounding feat! From the silly costume to (**SPOILER**) her ability to get killed by her target. Not only that she was killed while going after her boyfriend, Matt Murdoch AKA Daredevil. Even worse, she incorrectly identified him as her father’s murderer. Both Garner and the comic deserved better. No comment on the Elektra movie. It is a far grislier crime than an assassin should be capable of.


Jango Fett – Star Wars: Attack of the Clonesjango fett


I will let you in on some shop talk: I wanted to put Boba Fett, but the other SIIAG editors put me on the right track. Jango Fett is not only overrated…. he is incompetent. Firstly, he sends a shape-shifting cohort to murder a high-profile target, whom he ends up killing with traceable weaponry. It ends up sending Obi-Wan Kenobi to Kamino and where they uncover his army. Then he leads said Jedi to his employers, and nearly flambés his employer while defending them. Then he dies like a punk fighting Mace Windu. To say he got ahead of himself is an understatement. Even the stormtroopers caught some of his stupidity, if you believe he was a left-over clone.


Vincent Vega – Pulp Fictionjohn travolta pulp fiction


Whenever he goes to the toilet… something catastrophic happens. Vincent manages to accidentally kill a man after leaving the scene of a crime. His bowel movements throughout the movie are an indication something terrible will happen. John Travolta dances memorably but also managed to almost kill his boss’s wife, and the most humiliating of all (**SPOILER**) is being killed coming out of the toilet, where his corpse will be found eventually. After doing such a bad job, he was finally fired…. literally.

So there’s my list, who do you think hits the bullseye as the worst assassin in film? Let us know in the comments below or on Facebook!